The Number 23

Ok, I'll just cut to the chase. . . go see this movie.



This movie proves once and for all that Jim Carrey can play a serious roll, and play it well.

Like Robin Williams in "One Hour Photo," "The Number 23" will freak you out with its in hidden messages and the unusual darkness that only Joel Schumacher can bring of our beloved Carrey.

Enjoy!

P.S. you'll notice that I am Blogging at 11:12 PM. 11+12=23

And So It Begins

Nothing like 7:30 mass before class.

So Lent Is Here Once Again

Lent is here once again. And as a billion Catholics around the globe make personal sacrifices these 40 days and 40 nights (not counting Sundays because that is when Jesus arose, and is not appropriate for fasting; it's a day for celebration), here is the list of what I am giving up.

• The required no meat on Fridays and Ash Wednesday
  
• I will not use my credit cards (unless I'm flat broke and I need to buy groceries or gas)
• I will not eat fast food or go out to eat (excluding Sundays, business lunches, Jamba Juice, Starbucks, or Denny's for the occasional "Blakers")
• I will go to Church every Sunday during Lent
• I will stop smoking (cigars, cigarettes, my pipe, or hookah)
  
• No SEX* (thats right folks, no intercourse, no cunnilingus, no fellatio, no. . .well you get the point.)

Now this is very progressive for me, I usually give up caffeine or something along those lines. But to quasi quote John F. Kennedy, "I choose to do this not because it is easy, but because it is hard."

I hope that this radical change will bring me to where I need to be, and take away the numbness that I have been feeling for so long.

*Now to make sure I don't go completely insane, masturbation and kissing are still allowed.

Insert Title Here

Have you ever walked around after it has just rained? It as if the world has cleansed its self of all the grime, dirt, and trash that has been pilling up since the last time the earth grew anew. And as you walk you are surrounded by this deafening silence, as if your surrounding do not know weather to applaud this progressive movement forward; or to cry in anguish as they see the world that they created around them destroyed in one swift movement of God's hand. You notice that out of destruction, new life starts to form.

You take a deep breath.

You feel all your animosity, all the pain that has been festering inside you, start to diminish in size. What you have held on to, what has made you second guess every action you have committed in months past, starts to fade away.

You exhale.

It's 2007. It has been one year since the start of the most difficult year of my life thus far.

In the process of twelve months, I have lost a grandfather. I have lost an uncle. I have lost a women that I though I would spend the rest of my life with. I was placed on Academic Probation. I let slip through my fingers a person that wanted to make me happy. I gave my heart away to someone who lied about the way she felt about me. I lost direction of who I am.

And every time I started down the road towards self repair, I was blindsided by the very people who I trusted just moments before.

Jenn cheated on me, and I foolishly gave her another chance. She broke my heart a second time. I foolishly asked for another chance. But my words fell upon deaf ears and a mute heart. I saw her the other day. I remember thinking to my self "why did I let this one get to me?" To be honest I do not know. Maybe it was her youth. Maybe it was her fear of the world outside of Chico. Maybe it was her virgin eyes that were starting to see life outside of High School. Nevertheless, when I saw here the other day, she was not the same person that I fell so deeply in love with. She looked older. Her eyes were listless behind a false image of mediocre excitement. She walked as if she was carrying the weight of the world. It was if she had aged 7 years since we were together. We struck up a conversation. She is still with her manager. She is doing quite well.

She in engaged now, and I wish her the best.

Elizabeth was the one I let slip through my fingers. All she wanted was to make me happy. She was there when Stephanie and I were no more. She was there in spirit when my grandfather died. She took me to see my favorite comedian; Gabriel Iglesias. She took me on a tour of the Mormon Temple in Folsom. She introduced me to a world I knew very little about. She was there to help me pick up the pieces when Jenn first broke my heart. She was there. And when I realized everything that she had done for me, for us, it was to late. She was with someone else.

She is engaged and pregnant with her first child; I wish her all the happiness in the world.

Stephanie what my love. She was my life for two wonderful years. We traveled every chance we got. To us, there was no boundaries where we could go. But she knew we were not meant to be. I tried everything to make her fall in love with me all over again; but nothing I could do would work. And when it ended, I forced my self to move on a fast as I could. I was running, running away from hurt, from anger, from the pain of being alone. And when I was truly alone months later I realized that I never dealt with the fact that we would never be together again. She moved on, but I had not. I will always love her. The world was passing me by, and I was standing still, memorized by the blurring streak of people passing me by.

She is engaged and pregnant with her first child; I wish her happiness in the years to follow. She out of everyone deserves to be happy.

So here we are today; rushing head first into a new year. And how am I you ask? Well, I am here. How I am feeling after all of this?

Numb.

No matter what I do, who I'm with, or what I accomplish, in the end I feel numb. For so long I was a small vessel on an empty sea. Being buffeted by the waves of self loathing, engulfed in the lack of self efficacy, never knowing if I would return to the home of self worth. And at points where it seemed as if I could not make it, my closest friends stepped in, to point me in the right direction.

Home is in the distance, I can see it. I hope to reach it soon.

I Need To Say Something...

I know it has been awhile since I have made a "real" post. And I promise that tomorrow you will find one.

The thing is I need to let all my ideas settle so I can format it into words.

Trust me there will be plenty to read about.

I saw Jenn today. . .

W.O.W. Now That's A Line

So here we are, at the Chico Mall, waiting till midnight so Toph, David, and Nicole can pick up there copy of Burning Crusade (looking at Toph's recept, he pre-ordered it on Feb. 12th, 2006). Here is a picture of the last 3rd of the line about 20 minutes ago. Since then the line has grown by about 50 people. You know that these people are not going to sleep for the next couple of days.

An Almost Perfect Game

Almost! ALMOST! Well anyways congrats to Toph for getting 11 out of 12 strikes for a total of 279.

My First Benihana Experience

Nothing like drinking ice tea out of a Buddha and a Samurai, plus for some extra dough you get to keep the glasses!

Happy New Year!

Now this is how to usher in a new year! Nothing like champagne, a good cigar, and friends that are there for you no matter what.

Merry Christmas

Wii Have A Rare Moment

I have never seen this happen before, not even in real life. As you can see David (in Blue) has tied Toph (in Green). Good game guys, good game.

One...Two...Three...Breath

What a week. Like millions of Americans, young and old, the stress of finals came upon us this week. And with Friday with only a couple of hours away the ordeal is almost over. But finals were not the only fun part of this week, or for that matter this month. Lets see. . .

As mentioned before it seems that everyone has someone, leaving me to wallow in my own loneliness. Stephanie has her fiance, Lizzy has her "husband," Jenn has her new boyfriend who is 25 (recall that she ended it because I was to old), David has his Nicole, and even Topher potentially has someone. But you know what, I may be hurting now (and God is it a gut wrenching pain), but I know the best is yet to come. I will be ok, who know what the future holds.

But one of the big highlights this month is two weeks ago I made a purchase that has changed not only my life, by my roommates as well: I bought a Wii.

Oh my God this is the worlds greatest gaming system. Wii Sports (the game it comes with) takes full advantage of its unique Wiimote. This controller is amazing. If you tend to get gutter balls when you bowl in real life, the Wiimote picks up how you throw the ball, and you tend to get gutter balls in the game. In baseball it picks up the power you put into the swing, as well as golf. Now boxing is the coolest of the games, you cover your face, your avatar (or Mii as they are called) blocks their face. You move, they move.

Yet the coolest function is the "virtual console," an online store that you access through the Wii (it has integrated WiFi) where you can buy games from the libraries of the following systems:

• Nintendo Entertainment System
• Super Nintendo
  
• Nintendo 64
• Sega Genesis
• NEC Tubrographx 16

So far I have downloaded Maro 64, Bonks Adventure, Sonic, Ecco the Dolphin, and the original Zelda.

Did I mention that it also plays GameCube games?

A Kick To The Gut

In the back of your mind you always hope that things will return to the way they were. That maybe some day you will wake up, realize that you let something special slip through your fingers, then fight to get it back. But what do you do when the other person does not want you back?

Life is funny in the way that everything tends to come at you all at once. If you have been reading my blog you know how lonely I've been. What very few of you know is that I asked Jenn if she would take me back.

Her reply was "I don't know, I have all these guys liking me right now."

So what was I suppose to do, wait for her to make up her mind? I care for her so much that I told her not worry about me, and I started along the path of break-up recovery. I was doing fine till Toph called me at work.

"Blake," he said, ". . .Stephanie is getting married."

I went silent, I could not breath, my stomach was wrenched in pain. Suddenly every moment I spent with her over our two year relationship flashed before my eyes. Mexico, Hawai'i, Tahoe, every picture I took of her, the time she came down with me to visit my family, the pictures of her I have still up in my room, everything came rushing forward as if a mental dam that was holding everything back suddenly defaulted. Then the worst of it hit, how much I still care for her. Over the past month it was as if our friendship had grew anew. We were talking, having fun, going out to lunch together. I even helped her with a group project she had. I started thinking that maybe someday, someday, we might get back together. We were only broken up for 11 months, who knows what the future held. I guess I never really moved on.

Brittan said it best, "Even though the light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer, there is still light." I know I must move forward. . .I can't backtrack.

Steph, I wish you all the luck in the world. I love you then, and I love you now. Never ever forget that.

I Sold My Soul To The Devil

Yes, you guessed it, I created a myspace account. Hell has frozen over and I gave in.

A Little More Uplifting

After reading my last post I decided that I should follow it with something a little more upbeat.

Thanksgiving 2006

Here are the pictures from my Thanksgiving, nothing really formal, all just taken for fun.

Plus, I will have to admit that I have fallen in love with the Fruit of the Loom commercials. Here is my favorite one, please take a moment to enjoy.

Feeling Left Behind

I feel as if I must warn you before you read my post. This is me whining.

Thanksgiving, a time to be with family, filled with good food and warm feeling towards each other, a holiday I enjoy every year. Except this year was different. For the first time in 9 years I have not had anyone come with me; for the first time since grade school I felt very, very alone. I found my self rushing up to Chico Friday morning not for work, but to be with someone. When I arrived I realized that there was no one waiting for me, that I had no one to call to come over, I had no one to hold, I had no one.

Everyone has moved on. Lizzy had her boyfriend who will marry her likes she wants. Stephanie is in a relationship that she fought to obtain. Jenn has move on, and fell in love all over again. Hannah moved back to her family, leaving Chico and everyone behind. Here I am, standing still, watching the world pass me by.

All I want is someone to hold, someone to fall asleep next to, someone who I can fall in love with, someone who will love me back. Yet, unlike the past I do not want to rush into anything, I want to fall in love, put everything on the line, gamble, and see if she responds.

I have become paranoid. I will check my cellphone several times a day seeing if anyone has called, and when the message board is blank, my heart sinks a little bit lower. . . a little bit lower. When I receive a text message, my stomach becomes entangled in knots, because I know that she is happy with someone who is not me. The funny thing is I don't exactly know what I'm looking for. I guess a part of me is hoping to hear her voice, telling me that she wants me back, that she can't live without me, that she loves me, and she misses being held by me.

The Silent Ringing Of My Cell Phone

I love it when it rains. Its beauty hits you the first time you walk outside. The only thing you hear is the wind and the rain cleansing your surroundings. The scent of wet leaves invokes memories of hot tea and exotic potpourris at some distant herbal store. And as you walk you start to feel as if you are walking on new ground.

I was sick this weekend; it knocked me out for 3 days. This weekend I felt a way that I have not felt in a while: alone.

I've been sick before, but someone was always there to take care me, to keep me company, to hold me. But this weekend, for the first time, no one was there.

It first hits you when you notice how quite your phone is. No one calling to check up on you, no one seeing what you’re up to. The next thing you notice is at night, when your bed seems so big because you are the only one in it. That is the one thing I truly miss about relationships; sleeping together (Stephanie was over almost every night for 2 years. I hate sleeping alone). Lastly, how alone you feel when you wake up, no one there to snuggle with before you must start your day.

Now I must clarify Topher and David did help and they were there, but you know what I mean. I hate being alone.

Let's Shake Things Up

Well, after 145 postings and almost 18 months of the same bland template, I thought it might be time for a little change.

What do you think?

Walking Shasta Dam

This is North America's largest concrete dam. You could build a 3 feet wide by 3 inches deep sidewalk around the equator twice with the same amount of material. Dam!

More Oliver Stone

I got to shake his hand. How sweet is that!