Have you ever walked around after it has just rained? It as if the world has cleansed its self of all the grime, dirt, and trash that has been pilling up since the last time the earth grew anew. And as you walk you are surrounded by this deafening silence, as if your surrounding do not know weather to applaud this progressive movement forward; or to cry in anguish as they see the world that they created around them destroyed in one swift movement of God's hand. You notice that out of destruction, new life starts to form.
You take a deep breath.
You feel all your animosity, all the pain that has been festering inside you, start to diminish in size. What you have held on to, what has made you second guess every action you have committed in months past, starts to fade away.
You exhale.
It's 2007. It has been one year since the start of the most difficult year of my life thus far.
In the process of twelve months, I have lost a grandfather. I have lost an uncle. I have lost a women that I though I would spend the rest of my life with. I was placed on Academic Probation. I let slip through my fingers a person that wanted to make me happy. I gave my heart away to someone who lied about the way she felt about me. I lost direction of who I am.
And every time I started down the road towards self repair, I was blindsided by the very people who I trusted just moments before.
Jenn cheated on me, and I foolishly gave her another chance. She broke my heart a second time. I foolishly asked for another chance. But my words fell upon deaf ears and a mute heart. I saw her the other day. I remember thinking to my self "why did I let this one get to me?" To be honest I do not know. Maybe it was her youth. Maybe it was her fear of the world outside of Chico. Maybe it was her virgin eyes that were starting to see life outside of High School. Nevertheless, when I saw here the other day, she was not the same person that I fell so deeply in love with. She looked older. Her eyes were listless behind a false image of mediocre excitement. She walked as if she was carrying the weight of the world. It was if she had aged 7 years since we were together. We struck up a conversation. She is still with her manager. She is doing quite well.
She in engaged now, and I wish her the best.
Elizabeth was the one I let slip through my fingers. All she wanted was to make me happy. She was there when Stephanie and I were no more. She was there in spirit when my grandfather died. She took me to see my favorite comedian; Gabriel Iglesias. She took me on a tour of the Mormon Temple in Folsom. She introduced me to a world I knew very little about. She was there to help me pick up the pieces when Jenn first broke my heart. She was there. And when I realized everything that she had done for me, for us, it was to late. She was with someone else.
She is engaged and pregnant with her first child; I wish her all the happiness in the world.
Stephanie what my love. She was my life for two wonderful years. We traveled every chance we got. To us, there was no boundaries where we could go. But she knew we were not meant to be. I tried everything to make her fall in love with me all over again; but nothing I could do would work. And when it ended, I forced my self to move on a fast as I could. I was running, running away from hurt, from anger, from the pain of being alone. And when I was truly alone months later I realized that I never dealt with the fact that we would never be together again. She moved on, but I had not. I will always love her. The world was passing me by, and I was standing still, memorized by the blurring streak of people passing me by.
She is engaged and pregnant with her first child; I wish her happiness in the years to follow. She out of everyone deserves to be happy.
So here we are today; rushing head first into a new year. And how am I you ask? Well, I am here. How I am feeling after all of this?
Numb.
No matter what I do, who I'm with, or what I accomplish, in the end I feel numb. For so long I was a small vessel on an empty sea. Being buffeted by the waves of self loathing, engulfed in the lack of self efficacy, never knowing if I would return to the home of self worth. And at points where it seemed as if I could not make it, my closest friends stepped in, to point me in the right direction.
Home is in the distance, I can see it. I hope to reach it soon.
6 comments:
lets say that home is that little island where the palm trees sway in the breeze, the fruits are ripe, the sky is blue, and every night is a beautiful quiet night.
and i know one day we will all reach that small little island that is somewhere in this big vast ocean and when we do, all of us (and you know who "we" are) will be standing on the shore smiling and waving, welcoming you home.
it'll be all right. just keep going.
-panda
I think [Numb] would be my title.
Where to begin??
First, your writing is amazing. Using the rain as a metaphor for life and growth was a beautiful idea. It surprises me that out of pain and anguish comes our best work. You are a writer....
Secondly, it sounds to me like you've done a great deal of your own personal growth over the past year. I know how hard it was for you last year, especially the latter part. You've dealt with such a large amount of loss in such a short amount of time. I say it's pretty impressive that your still standing today. It's a true testament to your personal strength and sense of self.
Remember, out of pain you gain strength. Every hard time and rough expirience give you something. I guess you could say with every loss comes a certain amount of gain.
I'm sorry that the harsh expiriences of this past year and the obstacles you have overcome have left you numb. You of all people deserve happiness, you know that. And I'm here to make you happy, whatever that takes.... However, nothing I, or anyone for that matter can say will change the way you feel. It has to be a change that takes place within yourself, inside the very part of you that used to feel so strongly for so many and so much. It will come back, I promise. Like everything else, time heals and so does love. When you feel like you can't go on, love heals. New seeds are planted and new roots will grow where the others have been so violently ripped from within you. In time you will realize what you want, what you need.
In the mean time, I am here for you. For whatever you need now, right at this moment. If you need someone to hold, someone to talk to, someone to breakdown in front of, a shoulder to cry on, someone to pick you up when you're fading, I'll be that someone. I'm here for you no matter what. I'll be your guardian angel. I'll never let you fall. I'll stand up for you forever. I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven....
It takes courage to love again when you've been hurt. I know you'll find it inside you. I know you feel cold now, but spring is right around the corner and rejuvenation is never too far out of reach....
Until then, you're here, which is more than I can say for most. Most people would have just given up after everything you've gone through, but not you. You're stronger than that. You will persevere, I know you will.... You just have to find a way to make something positive happen from all these hardships.
Home IS in the distance, and it's closer than you think.
Oh Blake, you have been my friend for a long time, and anticipate a very long journey ahead. Hang in there, and NEVER sell your self short.
So, I have to put this one out there...You could say, Jenn is getting more than a raise from her boss ? Thats,...., yea, I really didn't want to go there
Lol, thank you...I needed a good laugh.
The heart may freeze, or it can burn. The pain will ease if you can learn. There is no future. There is no past. Live this moment as your last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today. There's only now. There's only here. Give into love, or live in fear. No other path. No other way. No day but today....
You'll make it, I know you will....
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