Thursday, December 07, 2006

A Kick To The Gut

In the back of your mind you always hope that things will return to the way they were. That maybe some day you will wake up, realize that you let something special slip through your fingers, then fight to get it back. But what do you do when the other person does not want you back?

Life is funny in the way that everything tends to come at you all at once. If you have been reading my blog you know how lonely I've been. What very few of you know is that I asked Jenn if she would take me back.

Her reply was "I don't know, I have all these guys liking me right now."

So what was I suppose to do, wait for her to make up her mind? I care for her so much that I told her not worry about me, and I started along the path of break-up recovery. I was doing fine till Toph called me at work.

"Blake," he said, ". . .Stephanie is getting married."

I went silent, I could not breath, my stomach was wrenched in pain. Suddenly every moment I spent with her over our two year relationship flashed before my eyes. Mexico, Hawai'i, Tahoe, every picture I took of her, the time she came down with me to visit my family, the pictures of her I have still up in my room, everything came rushing forward as if a mental dam that was holding everything back suddenly defaulted. Then the worst of it hit, how much I still care for her. Over the past month it was as if our friendship had grew anew. We were talking, having fun, going out to lunch together. I even helped her with a group project she had. I started thinking that maybe someday, someday, we might get back together. We were only broken up for 11 months, who knows what the future held. I guess I never really moved on.

Brittan said it best, "Even though the light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer, there is still light." I know I must move forward. . .I can't backtrack.

Steph, I wish you all the luck in the world. I love you then, and I love you now. Never ever forget that.


Anonymous said...

If she doesn't see how amazing you are, then she doesn't deserve you....

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with my earlier statement, but I have since had some new revelations on the topic. I explained my theory to you about thw whole "who can move on first" complex. I think that is very much in play here, however they say you never realize what you had until it's gone. Maybe that's the case here?? Who knows....But with every experience we learn, and whenever we learn, we grow. The path of self-discovery is really a never-ending one....(as cheesy as it sounds). If it was meant to be, you'd still be together and if it IS meant to be, then someday she'll return to you. The question will then be, do you still want her? But for now, move on, try new things, laugh harder, and love stronger. It will get easier everyday. Find new things that make you happy. It's been like a month now, and even you're still in pain, you're healing. I can tell....