I feel as if I must warn you before you read my post. This is me whining.
Thanksgiving, a time to be with family, filled with good food and warm feeling towards each other, a holiday I enjoy every year. Except this year was different. For the first time in 9 years I have not had anyone come with me; for the first time since grade school I felt very, very alone. I found my self rushing up to Chico Friday morning not for work, but to be with someone. When I arrived I realized that there was no one waiting for me, that I had no one to call to come over, I had no one to hold, I had no one.
Everyone has moved on. Lizzy had her boyfriend who will marry her likes she wants. Stephanie is in a relationship that she fought to obtain. Jenn has move on, and fell in love all over again. Hannah moved back to her family, leaving Chico and everyone behind. Here I am, standing still, watching the world pass me by.
All I want is someone to hold, someone to fall asleep next to, someone who I can fall in love with, someone who will love me back. Yet, unlike the past I do not want to rush into anything, I want to fall in love, put everything on the line, gamble, and see if she responds.
I have become paranoid. I will check my cellphone several times a day seeing if anyone has called, and when the message board is blank, my heart sinks a little bit lower. . . a little bit lower. When I receive a text message, my stomach becomes entangled in knots, because I know that she is happy with someone who is not me. The funny thing is I don't exactly know what I'm looking for. I guess a part of me is hoping to hear her voice, telling me that she wants me back, that she can't live without me, that she loves me, and she misses being held by me.