I feel as if I must warn you before you read my post. This is me whining.
Thanksgiving, a time to be with family, filled with good food and warm feeling towards each other, a holiday I enjoy every year. Except this year was different. For the first time in 9 years I have not had anyone come with me; for the first time since grade school I felt very, very alone. I found my self rushing up to Chico Friday morning not for work, but to be with someone. When I arrived I realized that there was no one waiting for me, that I had no one to call to come over, I had no one to hold, I had no one.
Everyone has moved on. Lizzy had her boyfriend who will marry her likes she wants. Stephanie is in a relationship that she fought to obtain. Jenn has move on, and fell in love all over again. Hannah moved back to her family, leaving Chico and everyone behind. Here I am, standing still, watching the world pass me by.
All I want is someone to hold, someone to fall asleep next to, someone who I can fall in love with, someone who will love me back. Yet, unlike the past I do not want to rush into anything, I want to fall in love, put everything on the line, gamble, and see if she responds.
I have become paranoid. I will check my cellphone several times a day seeing if anyone has called, and when the message board is blank, my heart sinks a little bit lower. . . a little bit lower. When I receive a text message, my stomach becomes entangled in knots, because I know that she is happy with someone who is not me. The funny thing is I don't exactly know what I'm looking for. I guess a part of me is hoping to hear her voice, telling me that she wants me back, that she can't live without me, that she loves me, and she misses being held by me.
1 comment:
"All I want is someone to hold, someone to fall asleep next to, someone who I can fall in love with, someone who will love me back. Yet, unlike the past I do not want to rush into anything, I want to fall in love, put everything on the line, gamble, and see if she responds."
In response to the above statement, what you need is to find the guy who wrote this. Look past the pain an remember what you truly want. i know he's in there somewhere and I know you'd have girls lining up to make an offer. Find that guy, BE that guy. Sure, people are going to love you either way, you're amazing, but we've been through that. However, if you long for such mature feelings you have to be willing to be in a mature relationship, not only physical, but mental and emotional. Someone is waiting to share that with you, to give you her world, to MAKE you her world. Open up. I know you're scared, but it takes courage to love again when you've been hurt. Find that warm feeling inside you. The one you dream about. Having that one person you know will always be there for you and would never EVER hurt you. Find that feeling and focus on it. Let it consume you until your fear melts away....But then again, what the hell do I know?? ;)
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